The Cry of her Inner Child
by heatqueen
Summary: At best, she was Makoto-san. At worst, 'that violent bully.' All they saw was a raised fist and a violent temper. But they didn't understand. It's not that Makoto wanted to hurt people. She was crying on the inside but no one would listen.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Makoto gazed at her grazed knuckles. There was no blood, but they were red and dry and still hurt quite a bit. Her feet padded quietly along the pavement, paying no attention to the route she was taking but instinctively knowing the way from muscle memory.

Behind her she could still hear the distant cries and jeers of her former classmates calling her names and accusing her of violence. They were not kind and did not try to be subtle – no, they wanted her to hear every word, so that she would know what a disgrace she was to the school.

Her eyes wandered between her hands and the pavement as she deliberately looked anywhere that wasn't directly ahead of her. She could feel people's stares on her – even those of complete strangers who knew nothing of the situation. They always looked up at her tall, gangly physique and wild, curly hair and were extremely quick to back off. Parents had even chivvied away their small children on occasion.

"You don't want to go near her," they would say. "She's in a gang, that one. Just look at her height and her curly hair. Probably smokes as well."

Eventually the cries died down into nothing, and there was no noise other than the breeze and the movement of traffic on the road. Makoto soon found herself standing outside Juban Park and she walked in, deciding that the peace and quiet of the park would be far preferable to the streets of Tokyo. She made her way to her favourite part, the rose garden, where the smell of the flowers overtook her and immediately relaxed her. Sitting on a bench, she gazed out at them, thinking how pretty they were – thinking how people would never look at her in the same way they would a beautiful rose.

As she sat, she mulled over the last hour. She remembered the tears which had streaked her classmate, Asari Yuuka's, face when three boys from the grade above had cornered her and started to attack her. She recalled how flashes of anger had coursed through her body and how her fist had flown through the air to one of the boy's faces before she could even think about what she was doing. Then, not even a minute later, all three boys were on the ground and Yuuka was on her knees, sobbing to the sensei about how Makoto had started a fight with the three boys.

Makoto's attempt to defend herself had been useless. She was not good with words and could not get the sensei to understand that she had been trying to defend the girl. She'd thought that Yuuka would stick up for her – but in Yuuka's fear of what the boys might do to her, she convinced the sensei that Makoto was the culprit.

And now, here she sat, ashamed of herself for losing her temper, even though she knew full well that those boys had deserved what they got.

She had never felt more alone in her life.

_Mother and father would be so ashamed,_ she thought. She could feel a lump forming in her throat and swallowed, holding back the tears that threatened to spill. _I tried to live independently but failed._

Transfer – that's what the headmistress had told her. She would not return to this school, but would start over at Juban Junior High school next week. It was the only school in Tokyo which was kind enough to take a girl who had been expelled.

_There is no one left who wants me. Not since the plane crash all those years ago._

Her eyes met the sky which was a clear blue, dotted with only the odd cloud, and wondered if her parents were watching over her. She imagined that they would have stern expressions on their faces and would be chastising her for her violence.

_Yeah but at least they cared._

Her – now old school – didn't give a damn. Well, not really. They pretended that helping her to redeem her behaviour was important, but they weren't truly active in understanding her. All they'd done, on telling her she was expelled, was given her one single piece of paper which stated that at her new school she would have to go to counselling to talk about why she was so violent towards people. The paper now sat crumpled at the bottom of her bag.

_Violent._ Once again, the label had been slapped on without any thought or consideration, and Makoto hated it. _Defensive_ would have been a better word, but it's not like the rest of the world understood when all they saw was a raised fist and a bloody outcome.

She looked again at her grazed knuckles. It had been a while since the last time, only the last time had happened outside of school in a back alley where there was no one to notice or care. She herself had only been there because she'd fled from a group of classmates who had been taunting her about her height. Those little alleys were the most dangerous parts of the city where gangs hanged out, and Makoto had found herself fighting five to one in self-defence in order to get herself out of there.

_I just wanted to help,_ she thought miserably as her mind went back to Yuuka and the three boys who had cornered her. _Of course, they'll get off scot-free._

Her fist curled up at the injustice and she felt the desire to slam something out of frustration. A mother with a pram happened to be walking by at that moment – she quickly moved to the other side of the path and hurried off, casting a worried glance back at Makoto. Makoto uncurled her fist and sighed audibly.

_That woman was terrified I would hurt her child, _she thought. _The worst thing is, I'm scared that I have that in me._

She stood up, suddenly wanting to get away. Back in her apartment she could get some peace and quiet and not have to worry about the people around her. The one benefit of living alone was that there was no one there to stare at her and pretend they were not whispering about her behind her back.

Before leaving, however, she plucked a single rose out of the ground and brought it to her nose, where she inhaled its sweet scent. Sticking it behind her ear, she walked away, knowing that her presence was incompatible with such a beautiful place, but taking away one tiny piece of that beauty so that she might not feel so ugly inside.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! They are much appreciated. :)**

**Chapter 2**

On Sunday night, Makoto lay in bed dreading the shrill sound of the alarm the next morning. Consequentially she struggled to fall asleep. The mattress felt uncomfortable and she threw off her duvet because it was too hot. The minutes slowly ticked away and Makoto's eyes remained wide open.

Finally deciding that her time was wasted trying to sleep, she got out of bed long before the alarm sounded and went down to the kitchen to make her lunch for the day. The sun was barely just starting to rise, casting a dim glow through the window. Although Makoto's eyes felt like sandpaper she pushed on with preparing some sushi rolls, feeling that it would at least pass the time until she had to leave for school.

After half an hour of preparing sushi rolls she heard that dreadful, dreaded noise coming from her bedroom and returned to shut off the alarm. Standing by her bed, she realised that she did not have any school uniform. She considered the situation. Her old one would have to do for now. The school would understand - it's not as if the uniform shop would have been open during the weekend anyway, even if Makoto had remembered.

She set off for school, keeping as slow a pace as possible to put off her arrival for as long as she could. In her brown skirt she would immediately stand out as new, and standing out was the last thing she wanted. At least it was only for today, and then she could get the correct school uniform and blend in.

As she approached the school, she slowed down yet further. The tall, black gates towered ominously over her. She mentally insisted that she was not scared, but deep down she was no different from any other fourteen year old on their first day of school.

_ What do I care about making an impression anyway, _she thought. _These students will hate me just the same as the old ones.  
_  
Then she felt a gust of wind as someone hurried past her and she hastily stepped out of the way to let her through. The blonde girl who, Makoto thought, had a rather odd hairstyle tied up in buns with pigtails at the sides, tripped and skidded onto her knees, her bag flying several feet away.

'I'm sorry!' Makoto exclaimed. 'I should have gotten out of the way faster. Can I help you?'

She extended her hand which, to her surprise, the blonde girl took. The girl stood up, dusted herself off and picked up her bag.

'It's okay,' said the girl. She smiled a wide grin at Makoto. 'My name is Tsukino Usagi and I'm in eight grade!' Then she looked at Makoto in confusion. 'I haven't seen you around here before. You're wearing brown uniform - isn't your school the other way?'

Makoto shook her head. 'I don't go there anymore. I'm Kino Makoto, also eight grade.'

Usagi extended a hand and shook Makoto's. Her blue eyes were full of friendliness, a trait which Makoto wasn't used to being looked at with.

'Oh my gosh, I'm so late!' Usagi exclaimed. 'Gotta go, Mako-chan! I hope I can see you around - bye!' Then the blonde ran out of sight into the school building.

Feeling very slightly less doomed, Makoto began to walk in the same direction. The building was filled with corridors with blue doors appearing every so often. Only a few students roamed the corridors and Makoto figured that most had probably already gone into their classrooms.

_ This place is a maze, _she thought as she turned a corner to find yet another identical corridor to the last one_. I'll never find my classroom at this rate._

But by a stroke of luck, she found it, and entered to see Usagi sitting at a desk near the back. Her head was rested on the table and Makoto wondered if the girl had actually fallen asleep. The sensei hadn't arrived yet, and Makoto stood in the corner of the room, not sure what to do with herself. A few students glanced her way but didn't say anything.

The only person to approach her was a short girl with unusual short, blue hair.

'Can I help you?' she asked in a soft voice.

'Um - I'm new here,' Makoto explained.

'Well there's a free desk over there next to Usagi-chan. You can sit there if you like. My name is Mizuno Ami. '

'Kino Makoto.'

She accepted Ami's offer and wandered over to the empty desk. Ami returned to her own desk and opened up a complicated looking novel in front of her, and began to read. Realising she had no one to talk to, Makoto sat down and allowed her eyes to wander. So far only two people had spoken to her, but no one had said anything mean yet. She felt a flicker of hope in her chest. Perhaps it was possible that things might not be so bad here after all.

.../...

Students flocked towards the classroom door, shoving each other out of the way so that they could be the first to get out. Makoto followed along at the back, behind Usagi who had already retrieved her lunch box and was stuffing roll after roll into her mouth. The blonde's arm was linked with Ami's. A moment later, Makoto did a double take as another arm was linked with her own, and she found herself walking in-step with Usagi, with Ami on the other side.

'Ami-chan, this is my new friend, Mako-chan.'

Makoto smiled at the nickname. To her peers at her old school she had been Makoto-san at best, and 'that violent bully' at worst.  
'I know, I met her this morning,' Ami responded.

'Oh you did? That's great! Mako-chan, you can hang out with us at lunchtime okay?'

It didn't seem like Makoto actually had an option, but she nodded anyway, filled with excitement, and followed the two girls outside.

'So how come you changed schools halfway through term?' asked Ami.

Makoto hesitated. If she told the truth, that she had been expelled for fighting, the two girls were certain to hate her instantly.

'I...was having a difficult time there.' It was a half-truth anyway.

'I'm sorry.'

'No...I am.'

Ami frowned but didn't push for information. The three took a spot on the grass outside and Ami and Makoto brought out their lunches.

'Mako-chan, do you want to come with me to the arcade later? I would ask Ami-chan but she's got cram school.'

'Usagi-chan, maybe you should go home and study as well,' Ami interjected.

'But I hate studying,' Usagi whined. 'Anyway, what do you think, Mako-chan?

Makoto watched the two girls in amusement. She badly wanted to say yes, but two things made her hesitate. Firstly, In the past, there had been times where she'd been sure she was about to form a friendship, but had then been rejected because the other person found out she was violent, or became afraid of her boyishness. So it only took her a few minutes to convince herself that the friendship was doomed.

_ It will only be the same here, _she thought sadly. _Something will happen and then Tsukino-san and Mizuno-san will no longer want to befriend me._

The second reason was that she had her first counselling session after school, meaning that she wouldn't be able to go even if she had wanted to go.

_They definitely can't find out about that. I don't want them to think I'm this weak, delinquent student who needs extra help from the school.  
_  
'I'm sorry, I can't go, Tsukino-san. I have chores at home,' she lied.

'That's too bad. And you can call me Usagi-chan. Everyone does! Hey, Mako-chan, let's swap numbers, okay?'

'Okay,' Makoto agreed in astonishment. She couldn't remember when the last time was that someone had asked for her phone number. The only time she'd ever had to give it was when she had to fill out forms and documents. As a result she had not memorized the number, and fished out a piece of paper which she had written it down on.

_But it's only temporary,_ she reminded herself. _She's sure to delete it soon. Who would want to keep my number?_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I really enjoy reading your comments and feedback.**

**Chapter 3**

The counsellor's office was the most uniquely decorated room in the entire school building. It did not even look like an office, more like someone's living room. Plastered across the walls were posters of various designer brands – Louis Vuitton and Chanel were two that Makoto recognised. A desk was pushed into a corner at the back of the room. In the centre of the room was a set of a red sofa and two armchairs, with a white woolly rug underneath. A coffee table was set in the middle, upon which were a vase of tulips and two sets of tea cups and saucers, and a burner on the windowsill gave off the scent of cinnamon. It was not so much the room of a school counsellor, more like that of a fashionista.

As for the counsellor herself, she defied every single one of Makoto's expectations. She wasn't just pretty. She was smoking hot. Her hair was long and green, her coconut skin was sooth and her eyes were like garnets. She stood in front of Makoto in a classy, expensive-looking business suit and beckoned the young girl inside.

'It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Meiou Setsuna.'

Makoto gaped at her eloquent speech. It took her a moment to remember that she had yet to respond.

'K – Kino Makoto.'

'You may sit down wherever you like.'

Makoto perched on the edge of one of the armchairs. Setsuna sat on the sofa and poured some tea for them both.

Makoto expected the woman to launch into the speech about how violence was not a healthy way to handle situations, so she was surprised when the counsellor did not say anything at all. As a silence grew between them Makoto sipped her tea, feeling awkward.

'You can talk to me about whatever you like,' said Setsuna after a full minute had passed.

Makoto looked at her, confused.

'It isn't my job to tell you what you already know,' Setsuna continued. 'I think we can agree that it would be a waste of both our time.'

'O – okay,' Makoto stammered. She racked her brains, trying to come up with something. 'I – I like to cook.'

'That's a good start. Tell me about it.'

'It's relaxing. And productive. And I'm good at it.'

'What's your favourite thing to cook?'

'Meatloaf. It's my favourite.'

The conversation continued in the question and answer format and Makoto was surprised to find herself relaxing into it. Before long she was sunk comfortably into the armchair and her tea cup was completely drained.

'You favour domestic tasks,' Setsuna summarised.

'Yes. But I also like sports.'

'Really? Your old school report says you didn't try hard at sports.'

Makoto grimaced. There had been a reason for that. When she'd done well at sports people had been quick to associate it with her boyish nature. As a result she'd tried to hide her talent in an attempt to appear softer and more feminine. But she didn't want to tell Setsuna that.

'My old school knew nothing,' she responded through gritted teeth.

'I appear to have hit a nerve,' Setsuna commented.

'Nope. No nerve.'

Setsuna raised an eyebrow.

'Suit yourself.'

…/…

The next morning, as Makoto walked to school, her mind was fixated on the events of yesterday. She recalled the bundle of energy that was Usagi Tsukino, and how the bouncy, blonde girl had looked at her with a sparkle in her eyes and without a hint of judgement.

Usagi had, unknowingly, awakened an emotion that Makoto had not felt for several years now – hope. As she made her way to her second day at Juban Junior High, she allowed herself to think that maybe things might be different here. Perhaps her classmates would give her a chance to show that there was more to her than violence.

Someone brushed past her shoulder, causing her to stumble. Then her jaw dropped.

'Yuuka-san?'

'Kino Makoto,' Yuuka replied in a low tone.

Rage began to boil as Makoto remembered how Yuuka had betrayed her.

'How dare you,' she seethed, her fists curling into balls.

Yuuka's eyes widened.

'Makoto-'

'Traitor!'

It was far too late by the time Makoto realized what she had done. Stumbling backwards, she gasped in shock as she saw blood pouring from Yuuka's nose. Looking down, she realized that the same blood was on her hands.

Yuuka was crying. Makoto could feel her own tears welling up.

'Yuuka –'

'Leave me alone!'

'I'm sorry!'

But Yuuka had run off.

Makoto stared at the spot where Yuuka had just stood. Any hope that she had previously felt was long diminished.

_I am an awful human being, _she thought. _No wonder nobody wants to be around me._

Instead of continuing to school, Makoto made for the city, turning into one of the back alleys. The walls were grey and the narrow road was cracked and full of potholes. There was not a single human being in sight.

Slipping into the alley Makoto sat down on the tarmac against the wall of an old building, bringing her knees up to her chin and hugging herself tightly. There, she finally unleashed the tears she'd been holding back.

_Why must it be like this? _she thought. _Mother…Father…I'm so sorry I failed you._

She did not ask for forgiveness. How could anyone forgive her when she couldn't even forgive herself?

A while later she plodded back home, heading for the kitchen upon her arrival. Usually she baked or cooked a nice meal as a way of relieving stress, but today she found that she just wasn't in the mood.

She opened the fridge and viewed the contents. The usual ingredients were there – meat, veg, and dairy produce – but at the back of one of the shelves was a box of cupcakes she'd made a while back. Removing one of the cupcakes rom the box, she thought about how she had made them with love. She wondered how the same hands which had made these cupcakes with love could also attack someone with such hatred.

She bit into the cupcake which was covered with strawberry icing. The first bite didn't taste quite as wonderful as usual, but seemed tainted by Makoto's negative emotions. Frowning, she chucked the rest of the cupcake in the bin.

A while later the phone rang. Makoto jumped, not used to hearing the shrill sound, and wondered who could possibly be ringing her.

'Moshi moshi.'

'Maaako-chan!' greeted a cheery voice on the other end.

'Who is this?' Makoto asked, startled.

'Usagi-chan here! I noticed that Mako-chan wasn't at school today and I got worried so I thought I would ring and check up on you!'

Makoto couldn't help but allow a small smile to grace her features. This girl, Tsukino Usagi, had known her for a grand total of one day and was already treating her like a close friend.

Then a thought crossed her mind ant the smile vanished.

_Is she simply naïve? Is she only being nice to me because she doesn't know any better? Will she eventually catch on and start to avoid me just like everyone else?'_

'I – I just felt a bit ill,' she responded.

'Well in that case I must come over to yours and bring you soup and medicine so you can feel better.'

Soup would cure a cold but it would do nothing to alleviate the guilt Makoto was feeling.

'No – that's okay, thanks. I'll be fine, really.'

'Well if you're sure.'

'I am.'

She put the phone down before Usagi could change her mind, and silently thanked God that Usagi didn't yet have her address.

After this morning she didn't want to see Usagi because the blonde would be nothing but kind to her.

_She's so pure, like a candle in the darkness. Me, my candle burnt out long ago. I'm just darkness._


End file.
